Today is a day that I dread. Not because of the meaning but because it makes me feel meaningless. After losing my little brother to suicide and struggling with my own demons’ days like today make me feel so small.
I’m in a constant battle with my mind to keep it together and to hold my head high so I can look at the horizon line, in that hopes that I can make it there today.
World Suicide Prevention day is a cold reminder to me that I didn’t see what I should have, I may not have listened closely enough, did I really miss the signs? Today, I want to lock the world away.
I wake up every day with a pounding heart and a shaky mind. It’s a struggle to not break down at every turn. Not a day goes by where I can catch my breath without being reminded of the tragedy I am living through. There is not a day where I won’t come home at night mentally exhausted and physically depleted from the amount of stress I carry on my back. It is a heavy load to carry.
The weight of my life and my struggles reminds me, my shoulders are as strong as an ox bearing the weight of the world. I know how to glue my heart back together when it’s hit with sadness. I can keep my tears from the eyes of others, and I can get through my hardest days with a smile. I can miss my old life deeply while I mold my new one.
We are so unaware of our power that we feel so powerless. We fail, so often, to realize that we deserve to cry about what we have been through. We deserve to let it all go. You don’t always have to be sturdy; you can take a moment to fold. Let your mind hold a memory and let it hurt if it has too.
The world doesn’t always have to get the best of you because, it doesn’t always give you the best of it. You don’t have to bury your sadness deep in your bones. You can wear it on your sleeve whenever you need to. It’s not always something you can let go; you can’t always leave it at home. If people in your life don’t understand that then be thankful. Be thankful that they can’t connect with the feeling of nothingness. Be hopeful that they never have to carry their weeping heart through life and be willing to let them in on what it’s like.
The truth is, you don’t have to change the world today. Just change your world, even in the smallest way. It is little people, in little towns, committing little acts of good that change the world. You can be a part of that change without carrying it all on your back. You can put kindness and good into the universe, get it back, and give it again.
I will not cower from the world today, as much as I want to. Today my failures will push me to initiate change in the hearts and minds of those around me. Today I will allow my sadness to have a moment, but I will not give it the whole day.
You deserve to let it all out, you need to give yourself time. Life is hard, and you can’t take the good and leave the bad, but you can learn from it. Carry your lessons and when they get heavy take a break and breakdown. Holding it together only works until the wheels fall off. Don’t get stuck with nowhere to go. Be kind to yourself and others today and every day.